One of the main reasons I have anxiety is because I have low self confidence. My low self confidence is more so in the way of my ability in being able to do future tasks rather than in how I look. Some nights I ask myself questions like how will I cope tomorrow if I don't sleep tonight?, will I be able to do the task I set out for myself tomorrow? therefore telling my self that I am not strong enough in such a situation. That sort of thinking lowers my self-confidence.
This still happens me at times but now I try and tell myself that no matter what it will be ok. I am strong enough to deal with it. If I feel I am too anxious to think that way I talk to my brother and he tells me they are just thoughts, I will be strong enough to deal with it and then it reassures me that it will be ok and I will get through this.
The last few weeks my self-confidence has gotten better and I am taking on more tasks. I feel I have a new found freedom. I used to believe that I shouldn't do things it case I can't sleep that night for example I would get anxious if I drank coffee or coke after a certain time in the evening because I would fear that the caffeine in it may keep me awake. Now I drink coffee if I want and enjoy it, in fact I drink it most days now and as a treat I drink Coke. What got me out of the caffeine anxiety was one night I was at an event and after the event someone put a coffee in my hand (now bare in mind this would have been around 9pm at night) and I didn't want to be impolite so I drank the coffee and although I was a little anxious about it I got on very well that night and from then on I started to drink coffee more regularly. I would also not do things before bed like use my phone. I don't really use my phone in bed anyway but the odd time I would feel like watching some youtube videos. Now if I feel like watching them I will watch them. I also wouldn't watch TV too late, now sometimes I do. I would also look at the sugar content of cereals we have that night in case it would keep me awake. Now to be honest I still check the cereals but it is a work in progress. There was also a time in the past that I set myself a time to go to bed usually 10pm and if I went to bed any later than that (even 5 minutes later) I would feel anxious and get worried that I am not giving myself enough time to sleep. Now I try to go to bed between 10pm and 10.30pm but if it is later I might feel a little anxious but I wouldn't go into full blown anxiety mode. I just tell myself it will be ok. Fear of letting other people down comes in to my lack of self confidence also as I fear that if I have to do something for or with someone else (even family members) I fear that I will not be able to do the tasks ahead if I don't sleep. I suppose in a way I have a fear of commitment that I still need to work on.
Now you might be asking yourself what got me into such an obsessive state, well it all started when I started researching on the internet about how to stop being so anxious at bedtime and on some websites it would give advice such as don't use your phone before bed, don't drink caffeine after 2pm, go to bed at the same time every night etc. and I thought to myself "oh if I do all this I will be able to get my sleep back and my anxiety will go" and of course I know now that that advice is generic and doesn't work for everyone. It got so much so that I became too obsessive about it and I had to stop because it was ruining me in other ways.
What I have really found out for myself is that my anxious feelings and thought are just feelings and thoughts and they don't represent reality. If I do drink a coffee at 3 or 4pm in the afternoon it does not mean that I will be kept awake. What it all comes down to is that if my mind is not fully wound down before bed I will find it a bit harder to sleep and if I can accept that then It is ok and I will sleep eventually. If I don't accept it, that is when anxiety comes and I definitely won't sleep then. I can't let my sleep define me or what I do. Anxiety has taken so much from me but I have taken so much more back and each and everyday that passes I am taking more and more of my self confidence back and kicking crippling anxiety out of my life forever.
Everyone has a normal amount of anxiety. It is inbuilt in us and protects us in dangerous situations. It is our fight and flight response but when it starts to takeover our lives like it has for me, that is the time we may need help so don't be afraid to seek medical advice. Trust me it maybe the best thing you ever do and the 1st step on the road to reducing your anxiety.
Right now I feel good. I was talking to a psychiatrist recently and she referred me to a support nurse. I take a small dose of mirap, 15ml to ease my anxiety at night and I feel right now, while I still feel a bit over anxious, I have a new found freedom. I just do whatever I want and try not worry about if it will affect me that night. I pray at night and try to leave my worries to God. It works most of the time. It is a work in progress.
